


Stiles is the Stupidest Person on This Side of The Milky Way

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clueless Derek Hale, Clueless Stiles Stilinski, Crack, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Humor, slight AU, they figure it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:51:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Aren’t you at least the least bit curious why everyone keeps asking if you are dating?” Lydia asks.</p><p>“No, why?” he says, mostly to be an ass. He didn’t actually care why people thought he was dating Derek.</p><p>“Oh my god.” Lydia says taking a shallow breath, rubbing her temples as if she had just gotten the world’s worst brain freeze. “You are the stupidest person in on this side of the milky way,” she says, sighing deeply.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stiles is the Stupidest Person on This Side of The Milky Way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoodSourceofFiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodSourceofFiber/gifts).



Stiles loves his jeep, he does, but he was getting a wee bit sick of it breaking down every other day. He refused to get rid of it though, Roscoe was practically a family heirloom having been his mother’s before his. Still, he promised Lydia he was going to work at that stupid math summer school at Beacon Hills High so he kind of needed to get home. The solution to his problem pulls up in a black Camaro and steps out wearing a wrinkled muscle shirt, ripped jeans, and aviators. Derek smiles, actually smiles in a way that was reserved only for Stiles because he was awesome like that. He grins, “Hey! Thanks for coming to get me. Can I drive?” he asks even though he knows Derek would never let him drive his car.

Derek snorts, “No,” he says and draws Stiles in for a hug, snuffling in his hair as he does. Stiles wrinkled his nose and pushes Derek away on false accusations of creepiness. He stays in Derek’s grip for a few seconds longer than necessary though, then moves away to go kick whoever was in the passenger seat out.

He opens the door to find Scott there grinning, “Hey man! Nice to see you, now get out so I can steal your spot,” Stiles says. Scott opens his mouth to refuse but Derek gives him The _Look_ , the one that says I-Am-Your-Alpha-Do-As-I-Say. Scott looks like someone slapped a puppy with a wet piece of bread but he complies and gets out of the car, shooting Stiles a betrayed looks as he crawls into the back. Stiles gets in and puts on his seat belt while Derek runs his hand over his shoulder and down his arm, scenting him.

Scott talks about his classes at Beacon Hills community college to be a vet tech and his job at Deaton’s and Stiles talks about his classes at Columbia. Derek remains silent for most of the time, occasionally asking Stiles questions about his life in New York and Lydia, because they were roommates now. Derek also filled him in with Beacon Hills life and how rebuilding his family home was going, or more accurately decorating because the rebuilding part was done. Apparently he followed Stiles’ advice and built Peter a small shack on the edge of the property, which made Stiles laugh.

They were almost home when Scott leans forward, “so now that you’re done your second year of university are you finally going to admit you and Derek are dating?” Scott asks. Derek’s smile freezes and Stiles frowns.

“We aren’t dating,” he tells Scott flatly. Every time he comes home this happens, people asking about him and Derek, even his dad. There was this one time at the grocery store, for example, the cashier had the gall to ask what Derek and Stiles were doing for Valentine's Day. So they were close friends and had near nightly conversations over Skype when Stiles was in school and they spent a lot of time together when he was home. They had the same general interests- hunting bad guys, cars, the best burger in New York State... It wasn’t like the rest of the pack wasn’t there too, lurking in the background of their late night Skype sessions, saying hello when Derek and him played Call of Duty together with their coms on. Stiles was there for all of them, it just so happened that Derek was the least busy out of all of them. He liked to joke that Derek didn’t have a life.

Scott looks genuinely confused, “but you guys are holding hands,” he says. Stiles looks down and frowns, so they are. When did that happen? It felt natural for Derek’s hand to be there, so much so that he obviously hadn’t noticed when Derek grabbed his hand. Or maybe he took Derek’s hand, he wasn’t sure. Stiles quickly changes the subject, trying to lessen the discomfort by switching topics to Lydia’s takedown of her sexist math teacher because Lydia being badass was not a subject one interrupted with their weird accusations of dating.

Derek hand holds his tighter, like he’s afraid Stiles will let go at any moment, never to return.

*

Stiles has a week off before he starts working with shitty children so he spends as much of it vegging out on Derek’s couch as he can. This is partially because his dad is in the middle of a mid-life crisis and has turned Stiles’ room into a workout space but also because Melissa and his dad finally found time to get together. Stiles and Scott’s childhood parent trap fixation had quickly become Stiles’ young adult nightmare. One night lying amongst the judgemental dumbbells staring at the ceiling listening to the sound of squeaking bed springs down the hall was scarring enough for ten thousand lifetimes. Scott shared his pain whenever his dad spent the night at Melissa’s, only he had it worse because werewolf hearing was much better than human hearing.

He did not want to share Scott’s pain. When he mentions this to Derek he says, “Stay here then,” and pours some milk into Stiles’ coffee before stirring in the sugar, “I have enough space,” he adds casually. Stiles shrugs and makes a vague sound of approval but he wasn’t really paying much attention. Mornings were a time to be dead to the world. The scraping of plates seems to stop almost immediately but Derek doesn’t pay attention and Stiles is still mostly asleep, possibly even drooling.

In the corner of the kitchen Peter snorts loudly, purposefully making himself heard. Boyd, Erica, and Isaac manage a three way glance and Scott chokes on the eggs that he was currently shovelling into his mouth. Lydia and Allison give Stiles pointed looks but he doesn’t get what message they are trying to convey. Stiles is offended, just because Derek offered him a place to stay didn’t mean they were dating, he offered Jackson a room too and they obviously weren’t dating, they couldn’t even stand each other. “We are _just_ friends” Stiles says bluntly glaring at his irritating friends.  

“Let’s move in together, no homo,” Peter chirps from the corner he’s lurking in. Stiles glares at him and Derek immediately banishes him to his shack. Peter slinks away with a plate piled high of sausages and French toast. “Still dating,” Peter says and Derek snarls, his eyes glowing red. Peter walks faster.

“Derek,” Erica asks after a moment of silence, “Can you make me a cup of coffee?”

“No, make your own” Derek says grumpily, closing the fridge door for effect, glaring at her from across the kitchen.

“But you-” Erica tries to start pointing towards Stiles, who was leaning against the countertop with a mug in hand.

“Make. Your. Own” Derek snips in a tone that suggests this conversation is done. Erica rolls her eyes dramatically and leaves the kitchen, leaving a watery eyed Scott at the table still trying to overcome the lump of eggs in his throat. Stiles remains mostly unaware and dead to the world, finishing off his coffee and holding the mug out in Derek’s general direction. Derek takes it and refills the mug, making his coffee the way he likes it and hands it back. He ignores the looks from his pack members as he does so.  

When he gets home, Stiles tells his dad about moving in with Derek his dad beams, “so you guys are finally admitting you’re together, that’s great!” he says, Melissa nodding along to show her support. Stiles sighs and once again informs them that he and Derek are _not_ dating, living together is not going to change that.

His dad frowns, “I hope you don’t think I care about your sexuality, Stiles. I just want you to be happy. And let’s be real here, Derek hasn’t been this happy since before his family got, you know, murdered,” he says awkwardly, shuffling his feet.

 He leaves the room to pack his things but he still hears his dad ask Melissa if he should be worried about Stiles in a hushed tone. Stiles’ heart squeezes, it was nice that his dad cared so much about him but he didn’t think he needed to be worried- besides, living with a zombie werewolf, his nephew, and possibly sharing a bathroom with a once lizard creepaziod was not going to be a big deal .

*

He’s on his lunch break with Lydia, chatting about how much the two of them were steadily growing to loath teenagers the longer they worked with them when jackass Jackson shows up. Jackson looks at Stiles weird and he expects some scathing remark but instead Jackson sniffs him, which, creepy much?

“When did you and Hale start fucking?” he asks bluntly. He wonders firstly, why the fuck would Jackson be in a tutor centre when he should be a mental health centre? Secondly, what the fuck encouraged him to think asking about his sex life, or lack thereof, was okay?

“Ugh, never, not that it’s any of your business you creepy lizard wannabe,” he snaps. His patience was running thin, okay, he did not want to deal with Jackson’s crap.

“You reek of him,” Jackson says, wrinkling his nose at the apparent smell.

“So what if I do, it’s still none of your damn business,” he points out. Lydia nods and gives Jackson her “shut up now” look but Jackson, the absolute moron, doesn’t get it.

“I think it’s my business who my Alpha is dating,” he says in a high and mighty tone that Lydia rolls her eyes at.

 “Derek and I aren’t dating, or fucking, for that matter. Where does everyone come up with their facts?” Stiles says and thinks out loud that the rumour mill _needed_ to get new material.

“Bullshit,” Jackson says.

Stiles is getting annoyed, he knows who he is dating better than Jackson, okay?

“What have you been doing then? You smell way to much like Derek to not be spending a stupid amount of time together,” Jackson says, eyeing him suspiciously.

“Yeah, we smell like each other because we live together, genius. Obviously we’re going to start smelling the same, that’s like, the law of werewolves, you’re constantly rubbing all over each other and shit” Stiles snaps.  

“I’m aware of that fucknuts, my point is that there is no way your scents would be that mixed unless you are _literally_ sleeping together,” Jackson snaps back. They never did have much patience for each other and that has grown steadily worse since him and Lydia got back together when he came back from London. It also didn’t help that he was constantly at Derek’s too, though Derek always took Stiles’ side, much to his delight.

“So I’ve fallen asleep in his bed a couple times, no big deal,” he says even though that’s only partially true. He actually sleeps in Derek’s bed because having a living space heater/ cuddly pillow was way better than sleeping alone. He uses Derek’s shampoo on a regular basis too, but he leaves that out because he doesn’t want to hear it.

Jackson turns to Lydia, who shrugs and sips her smoothie. “Why do you even like him? He’s literally too stupid to know he’s in a committed relationship.”

Lydia sighs, “I can actually have intellectual discussions with him, you’re just… pretty,” she says waving her hand around Jackson’s face.

“Pretty stupid,” Stiles says, kicking Jackson in the shin under the table. Lydia snorts and laughs, which Stiles rubs in his face until their break is done and it’s back to hell.

*

When he’s done work Derek comes to pick him up as usual, the comments on how delicious Derek was coming from the idiot teens were also familiar. Stiles wanted to tell them that first of all, they were _way_ too young for Derek, and two, Derek has standards, he’d never date someone who can’t even cross multiply simple fractions. When he tells Derek this he smirks, “are you jealous?” he asks.

Stiles rolls his eyes dramatically, “no, I am not jealous of teenagers who don’t even know what slope is,” Stiles says like it’s obvious. In the back seat Peter snorts like he knows that isn’t true, which it totally is whether he believes it or not.

A group of loitering teens linger nearby, tittering about how hot Derek is and how lucky Stiles is that he gets to touch Derek’s booty. So, because Stiles is a smart ass he smacks Derek’s ass on the way to the passenger seat. Derek grabs his wrist and pulls him back and into a kiss, tilting his head so their noses don’t collide. Derek’s lips are surprisingly soft, and he smells nice, like lightly scented cologne. He kisses gently, like Stiles will run off or push him away, he doesn’t though because kissing Derek was actually pretty pleasant. Derek pulls away and Stiles blinks a couple times, “well okay then,” he says.Derek shrugs, “I figured we might as well give them a show,” he looks over to the gaping teens.

Stiles grins, “well let’s give them the best show they’ve ever seen,” he says and drags Derek into what would have been a great second kiss but Peter ruins it with his loud choking noise.

“Let’s make out, no homo? Are you fucking kidding me?” he snaps.

“Ugh, why did you bring that?” Stiles flails in Peter’s general direction.

“We have to take it to the vet,” Derek deadpans. Stiles laughs so hard he almost throws up.

*

Derek gets invited to go to some Alpha thing that’s supposed to promote pack bonding and stuff so he invites Stiles, who obviously says yes because there will be free food and it gets him out of dealing with the shitbag teens for a couple days.

Derek organizes the trip, including who was sleeping where, much to everyone else’s annoyance. He would share a room with Scott normally but Derek offered to share his so he leaves Scott with creepy Peter as pay back for explaining, in detail, what their parents had done the night before on the ride up in Derek’s Camaro. There were many things a child should never know about their parents, what positions they prefer in the bedroom was one of them and thanks to Scott he no longer had that blissful ignorance. For that he deserved sleeping in the same room as Peter, since he was totally worse than the creeptastic zombie wolf for ruining his innocence.

Scott had thrown a fit though, so Derek decided to house Peter with him when the rest of the pack refused to deal with him too. Derek, having listened to Stiles whine about how Scott betrayed him, continued Scott’s punishment by sticking him with Jackson, which was immensely satisfying. When Scott discovered his new arrangements he reacted as if someone had suggesting boiling live puppies. Derek gave him a look that told him to suck it up and deal with it.

Stiles throws himself onto the bed he henceforth claimed as his own, “Just so everyone knows I am not sharing a bed with Peter because ew,” Stiles says, sinking into the mattress while Derek brings in his luggage. 

“If you want your own bed Peter can sleep on the floor,” Derek says, agreeing easily.

Peter whips around, “excuse you?”

“I killed you once I’ll do it again,” Derek, eyes flashing red for a second. Peter looks around for the nearest exit.

“Now, now,” Stiles says, “there is no need to kill Peter over a bed dispute, the fact that he’s Peter is reason enough,” Stiles looks at Derek to see his reaction. Derek smiles lightly and lets out a huff of a laugh. Peter storms out of the room mumbling about disrespectful mates and the ending of werewolf culture.  

In the end it didn’t matter because he ended up sleeping with Derek anyways, but it was hilarious to see Peter shot down so fast just because Stiles wanted his own space.

They do pack things for the next couple of days, Scott screws up a trust exercise with Erica and nearly gets eaten for by both Erica and Boyd. Isaac nearly dies of boredom in some lecture about abused betas that Derek made him go to and Peter does his damnedest to weasel out of whatever he can. The best part of Stiles’ break from work was when Jackson does his best impression of a dead fish in a self-defence class after Stiles tazed him by “accident”. How was he supposed to know that what those buttons did?

Derek gave him disapproving looks from across the seminar space but he could tell that Derek found it funny because he smiles ever so slightly. Besides, Jackson was being a pretentious cocknugget to Scott and bros help each other out even if one of them is a horrible human being and tells the other about his dad’s _very_ active sex life. When he tazes Peter he can’t play the ‘I didn’t know what that did’ card so he plays the ‘creepy Peter’ card and really, it isn’t his fault it’s so believable.

He’s pretty sure that if Derek didn’t side with him Peter and Jackson would be plotting revenge, however despite their grumblings both of them held a healthy amount of respect/ fear of Derek so they let him be.

It happens again at dinner the last day they are there. He’s chatting away with the various people sitting at the table eating off Derek’s plate when someone mentions what a great couple they are. Once again Stiles says that they aren’t dating and he watches as the pack collectively rolls their eyes. Peter, the drama queen, added an extra melodramatic sigh to top things off. The rest of the people at the table don’t look like they believe him.

“What? Why is it so hard to believe that we aren’t dating?” Stiles asks. He steals a green bean from Derek’s plate and sticks it in his mouth while waiting for his answer.

“Well if the constant scent marking, touching, sleeping in the same bed, getting away with tazing two separate pack members, and showering together didn’t give it away, sharing food would have,” one of the other alphas said.

“Okay first off none of that means we’re dating, and we only showered together that one time and that’s because we were both running late and it was just easier that way. We’re just close,” he says, because it’s true. Derek seems disinterested in the conversation so Stiles thinks they should let it go. No such luck.

Scott makes a face, “I’ve known you my whole life and I’d never shower with you, Stiles.”

“What about in Gym?” Stiles says indignantly.

“There were stalls for that,” Scott says, rolling his eyes.

“Barley,” Stiles snorts, more like tattered curtains that were held together with soap scum and boy funk.

“We still didn’t see each other’s junk and stuff,” Scott points out, waving a piece of meat around.

“Yeah, well I’ve wiped your ass when you were sick and I’d never wipe Derek’s ass for any reason, ever, so your argument is invalid,” Stiles raises an eyebrow. It was only one time when his mom had to work and couldn’t take care of him. He’d never do it again either, because Scott’s ass produces smells so nasty they should be illegal.

“It was like one time!” Scott protests.

“Well I only showered with Derek one time so I guess he’s used his freebee super intimate moment,” Stiles argues.

“Please, for the love of god, do not ever let me get so close to Stiles that I feel comfortable letting him wipe my ass or shower with me,” Isaac says. Boyd gives him a sympathetic pat on the arm.

“Don’t’ worry buddy, Derek wouldn’t let you.” Boyd says in a sorry attempt at comforting Isaac.

“Yeah, they share food,” Erica throws in, smacking Boyd’s hand away from her cheese.

“That matters because?” Stiles says, waving one of the potatoes he skewered off Derek’s plate around.

Peter sighs, “Someone give this idiot a brochure on werewolf culture.”

“Okay, I will have you know that I am very educated on werewolf culture, fuck you very much. I mean literally everyone I know is or is dating a werewolf,” he rationalizes. Except literally everyone he comes in contact with is or is dating a werewolf, even his teachers. Creepy.

“Do you know what it means when an alpha shares food with someone?” one of the other alphas asks.

“Yeah, alphas only share food with their mates, generally as a symbol that they can provide for them, it’s also a symbol of trust and love because food is an intimate thing for werewolves. You know, cuz you never know if people might poison you or not, which is why alphas only trust mates with their food. Why is this relevant?” he asks, spearing a potato on Derek’s plate and sticking it in his mouth.

“Oh for god’s sake, I’m blind and I can see that you’re together,” Deucalion, Stiles thought his name was, throws down his napkin and leaves.

*

When Stiles runs into Danny in the grocery store it wasn’t like he was expecting anything, it was _Danny_ , he was always unattainable in high school and he didn’t think that had changed. However something must have changed because he was totally hitting on Stiles, there was literally no other way for Stiles to interpret his behaviour, which, awesome. At least until Derek showed up and pulled his growling act, which resulted in Stiles smacking him on the arm, not that it did much good. Danny look supremely uncomfortable.   

“Calm your shit, Cujo; I’ve literally never had a chance with Danny ever. Like not in a million years, not even if I was super rich and fabulous, like probably not even if I was actually attractive or fun to be around. Danny lives on a different stratosphere than me and I’m okay with that. Seriously, like even if he was given a love potion to fall in love with me he’d be like ‘no, not that weird fucker’ and-” Stiles probably would have continued to embarrass himself but Derek cuts him off.

“Shut up Stiles. You are attractive and fun to be around, and even if you’re not rich you are fabulous, love potions don’t exist, and Danny’s best friend is Jackson, clearly he has no standards and you shouldn’t care what he thinks. Also, you’re a very good cuddler, that’s important. And you smell nice. And you have soft hair, it’s nice to sniff. Also you have pretty eyes, and when the light hits them just right they look like honey, which my mom used to put on my toast. Makes me feel like home,” Derek smiles at him.

“O-kay. That went from nice to slightly incestuous, but thanks. I think,” Stiles pats Derek’s arm and walks away from Danny without looking to see exactly how humiliated he should be from this experience. When he tells Lydia about this she gets mad at him for being so hard on Derek for showing his emotions, which he never does. Then he feels bad for squashing the poor guy so he goes home to apologize.

He finds Derek curled in a nest of blankets watching Star Trek and looking grumpy. Stiles crawls into the nest and Derek lets him, moving over when Stiles shimmies to situate himself. He’s still half in Derek’s lap but Derek doesn’t seem to mind. He lays his head on Derek’s shoulder, “sorry for being creeped out by you comparing me to honey toast your mom made you as a kid. Just know that that was very weird and that you should express you emotions, please do it in less incestuous terms,” he says.

Derek smiles and wraps his arm around Stiles’ shoulders, “sometimes I have dreams that Peter or Kate try to kill you, but I always rip them to shreds before they can,” he says.

“That… that was not an improvement, but good try,” Stiles says and pats Derek’s arm.

*

Stiles and Derek have crammed themselves onto a chair because the pack has taken up all the other furniture and people are giving him looks. “What? You people took all the rest of the furniture; I have nowhere else to sit but in Derek’s lap, seriously.”

Isaac crawls out from under Scott’s, Allison’s, and Erica’s legs to perch on Erica, who was half on Boyd. “What, I have nowhere else to sit?” he says innocently.

“Get off Erica before Boyd eats you. And don’t make fun of Stiles, that’s mean,” Derek grumbles at them.

Isaac rolls his eyes, “fine,” he gets up and goes to the kitchen and comes back with snacks.

“Give me the barbecue chips,” Derek says, holding out his hand.

“But barbecue chips are my favourite,” Isaac says, holding the bag closer to him.

“Tough shit, they are also Stiles’ favourite so he gets them,” Derek gestures for Isaac to hand the bag over.

“This is shit, Stiles won’t even admit you’re dating-” Isaac starts but Derek cuts him off.

“Hand over the chips Isaac,” Derek gives him The Look and he quickly hands them over, glaring at Stiles.

“Thanks. I will proceed to eat this entire bag of chips while looking Isaac directly in the eyes so he knows which guy his alpha thinks is better and more deserving of these delicious chips,” Stiles holds the bag up and shakes them a bit.

“Don’t be an ass, Stiles,” Derek says but he’s smiling so obviously he thinks Stiles is a comedic genius.

“My ass is great,” Stiles wiggles his eye brows.

“True. But it isn’t fair to use it against Isaac, his ass is… sad, and so flat it’s almost indented,” he looks at the rest of the group, “have you guys noticed Isaac’s weirdly flat ass?”

Scott looks off into the distance, “he has teacher’s butt. Oh my god, my world has shifted dramatically.”

Erica looks at him weird, “this is why your only friend is Stiles, because you’re both too weird to love, or even like. Stiles is kind of cute though, if you squint a little and imagine him as Johnny Depp.” Stiles throw a chip at Erica’s head.

“Stiles is not too weird to love, Scott, your hopeless. You have a crooked jaw and you keep your mouth open to much, like you’re expecting a bug to fly into it, which happened once and it was hilarious,” Derek says with a straight face.

“Oh, was that the time the bee flew into his mouth and stung his tongue? That was funny, mostly because he can heal super-fast and his swollen tongue didn’t cause breathing problems,” Stiles says, remembering Scott freaking out about the bee in his mouth fondly, especially because his first reaction as to shut his mouth.

“Maybe you are too weird to love,” Derek says and Stiles gives him the puppy eyes because it works on Scott every time, “ok, so maybe you’re not too weird to love. Also that facial expression is adorable.”

“That facial expression actually was adorable,” Erica says.

“I know right, one time he talked me into putting a tack on the teacher’s chair with that face and I got detention,” Scott leans forward, jostling Allison, Isaac, and Erica, earning dirty looks from the group.

“Yeah, your right, that facial expression is literally the cutest thing ever,” Peter says, grinning like he knows he’s just ruined it forever.

“I am literally never making that facial expression again. Ever. Like not even if my life depends on it. Like not even with a gun to my head, or like claws or something. Like not even-”

“Stiles shut up.”

*

“So, it’s been almost a whole summer and you still haven’t admitted you’re with Derek Hale. What a sad creature you are, not admitting you’re dating _Derek Hale_. Literally everyone would date Derek, even Scott’s mom,” Lydia purses her lips and raises her eyebrows. Scott look mildly horrified at the suggestion.

Stiles sighs, “Guys, we are not dating, accept it,” he flails to indicate his point.

“You are too, just admit it!” Scott says.

“Name three examples, I bet you can’t because no examples exist,” Stiles raises an eyebrow.

“First of all, you reek of him, second, you use all his soaps and hair products, and third, you’re wearing his shirt today. Clothes sharing is a classic couple thing,” Scott says.

Stiles snorts, “the first and second things were the same you idiot.”

“Fine, you sleep in the same bed, Derek shares his food with you when he growls at everyone else who tries, we’ve tested this. Derek pets you’re hair, he said that Danny had no standards to defend your honour, he picks you up and drops you off at work every day, he puts up with your weird pterodactyl noises at three in the morning, and he lets you tell everyone that you aren’t dating even though you’ve been in a committed relationship for two years. Aren’t you at least the least bit curious why everyone keeps asking if you are dating?” Lydia counts her reasons off on her fingers and gives Stiles a look once she’s done.

“No, why?” he says, mostly to be an ass. He didn’t actually care why people thought he was dating Derek.

“Oh my god.” Lydia says taking a shallow breath, rubbing her temples as if she had just gotten the world’s worst brain freeze. “You are the stupidest person on this side of the milky way,” she says, sighing deeply.

“Now,” she continues, “before you deny it when’s the last time you’ve had sex? That’s right, with me right after grad because you’ve been dating Derek for two years and that poor guy has been celibate for you because you can’t pull your head out of your ass. That is a challenge to begin with considering you sleep with him, literally, and aside from your idiocy there is no reason not to go there. He could have slept with literally anyone with eyes because he is that hot and he waited for you. Boom, that’s why your dating, now go have sex with Derek, he was sexually frustrated a year and a half ago. He probably wouldn’t even remember he had a dick if he didn’t masturbate,” Lydia throws her empty coffee cup at Stiles’ head.

And… and oh my god, she was totally right. He has been dating for Derek for two years and he didn’t even know it, “okay, so apologize to Jackson for me because I tazed him for calling me an idiot and saying I was too dumb to know I was in a committed relationship but it turns out he was right soo. Yeah, bye.”

*

When he gets back to Derek’s Derek is sitting outside waiting for him. When he pulls up (in Derek’s car, seriously, Derek doesn’t even let Erica look at it, how did he not realize they were dating?) Derek’s face lights up. “Heeeey,” Stiles says awkwardly because what do you say to the guy you’ve denied you were dating for two years?

Derek frowns, “um, hi?” he says nervously.

“Yeeeeeah, so I totally just realized we were dating.” Stiles kicks at the ground and fidgets because that’s just what he does when he’s nervous. “Also I’m really sorry I told literally everyone with ears that we weren’t dating. And for cockblocking you, but that’s mostly because I’m sad I missed out on like, a million opportunities, not because I’m sorry you got stuck with the palm sisters,” he says, laughing a little.

Derek laughs softly, “So, how did you ‘figure out’ that we’re dating?” Derek asks, raising his Judgemental Brow of Doom.  

“What? Oh, Lydia,” Stiles shrugs. It was always Lydia who pointed things out to his clueless ass, he had no idea how he lived without her in his life. Scott was more oblivious than him, it was probably why they never got invited to things in high school, or maybe they did but they were to dumb to realize it.  

Derek nods, “It’s always Lydia who figures things out if it isn’t you. I have no idea why everyone always underestimates you; you’re easily the smartest person I know. Lydia comes close because she knew we were dating, but you figured out that the smell in the kitchen was a dead mouse under the fridge and that stumped everyone so you win.” And okay, Derek is nervous too. Also it took like three weeks to figure out where that stench was coming from and it was his human nose that made it possible. To the werewolves it just smelled awful everywhere but to him it was stronger near the fridge, which had a hella decayed mouse under it.

“Okay, well you were waiting outside for me, because I know that for some reason. So what did you want?” Stiles asks awkwardly.

“Oh, right. Here,” Derek pulls a fuzzy paw on a key chain out of his pocket, “it’s a fox paw!” he says excitedly.

Stiles takes it and turns it over on his hand, “uh, thanks, it’s ahh… cute?”

“Thanks, I killed it myself!” Derek says in a tone that is way too happy considering he just handed over a piece of dead animal on a key chain.

“That is morbid…ly romantic?” Stiles says, trying to save face when Derek’s expression falls, looking much like a kicked puppy.

Derek smiles, “nice save, its good luck in wolf culture. Also it serves as revenge on Kira for egging my house, you know, because she’s a fox.”

Stiles grins, “very clever, so what happened to the rest of the fox?”

Derek runs his hand through his hair, “I may or may not have eaten it because Isaac forgot to get groceries. Erica may or may not have tried to scavenge it, but she definitely failed.”

Stiles snorts and hugs Derek, “Thanks for the carcass,” he says, grinning.                   

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


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